Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
