bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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