and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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