I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
