if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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