i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
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She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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