omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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