I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
