Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
