I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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