Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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