Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
