I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
