...so i touched it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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