Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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