So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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