I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
