K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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