yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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