my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
