Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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