sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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