it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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