I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
