billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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