Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
