its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
