Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm getting married
To pizza
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
