where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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