if i can run in heels then i can drive
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
