Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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