so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
