Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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