youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
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We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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