vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
