he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
