can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
