ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm getting married
To pizza
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
