so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
