There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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