At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
