Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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