I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
