Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
