Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
