i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
