life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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