so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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