i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
