i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Someone signed my nipple.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
