I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
