Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
