Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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