she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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