dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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