Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
MIDGETS
????
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
