Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
