You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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