can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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