Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
