Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
