thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
