You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
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buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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